Questions with no answers...now.

We had an appointment with our doctor today. He is a fantastic Christian man who I already respect so much in many ways. I had a huge list of questions and when I couldn't get them out, my sweet Matthew filled in the words. Thank you, honey! Most of the questions I asked I knew would only be "hypothetical" in that we really don't know what will happen. I did clarify her diagnosis as severe hydrocephalus, which is a very serious birth defect of a very vital organ. BUT I am praising God because it is the only diagnosis so far! She has no evidence yet of any other problems. This is all in her favor! Typically, other problems go hand in hand with hydrocephalus, but so far we see no evidence of any. I will pray NONE show up along the way. At least three times he said to us, "Don't give up hope." I most definitely will not! The overall message of this consult is that we don't know a thing about how Camilla will be affected by this condition until she is born and evaluated. WOW, that is quite a tall order for this worry-wart mom to wrap her head around. For the next 16 or more weeks, I will basically have no way to prepare myself because I don't know what will happen. The "planner" in me, the part of me that likes knowing as much as I can and controlling as much as I can in situations (yes, I am a bit of a control freak with some things; namely my children and keeping them safe) is really being stretched and tested. Which is probably a good learning experience for me, really. I have to rely on God to work all of it out and I have absolutely NO control. I find myself going in an unending circle, considering all possibilities and trying to come some sort of terms with each and every one, because it is about all I can do. To really lay it out here, there are many different outcomes we could face. I understand that my child could die in utero or at birth. She could live minutes, hours, days, or years. She might be severely, severely disabled. She might beat millions of odds and amaze the world with what she can do. No matter what, I promise, I will praise God. He has given her to me and I love her with my heart and soul, and I wouldn't trade her for anything! I am thankful for every day of this pregnancy feeling her kicks inside telling me hello. If I never see her take a breath, these memories will be what I cling to and remember as her life. And I will praise God for the months of life inside of me. If she lives minutes, hours, days, or years, I will be so thankful for every second. And I won't put my head to my pillow one day without praising my Lord. If she beats the odds and amazes us I will stand in awe and praise God at the miracles he is performing. If Camilla is severely disabled and needs me to be her hands,feet, eyes, and ears; I will do it and praise God for the blessed opportunity to help someone experience their life to the fullest. If my sweet, sweet girl can't move her head to see the sunset, I will turn her face so she can-and I will tell her all about Heaven. If she can't see, I will explain every detail of everything around us. If she can't hear, I will make sure she "hears" my love for her in a different way. If she can't walk or run or go places on her own, I will carry my precious little girl every step of the way and help her see the world.

And He will carry me.