Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Another Balloon, A Breaking Heart, and Healing!!

Last week my first baby, my son Isaac, turned four. FOUR! I can hardly believe that! We did the obligatory Chuckey Cheese adventure and Toys R Us stop afterward. I was excited to see Geoffrey the giraffe at Toys R Us and how Isaac would respond to him. Well, sadly Geoffrey didn't come out, but the salesperson did give Isaac a helium balloon with Geoffrey pictured and he was so excited! The ribbon was so long, it was tied on a crown around his head, and while Isaac walked the balloon bopped through the store and kept catching on aisle hooks. He just loved it and we brought it home and kept it resting gently on the ceiling of the living room all of the next day. In the afternoon, Isaac went outside with Daddy and was only out there about five minutes when he returned, crying just hysterically. After I calmed him enough to understand what he was saying, I heard him explain how his balloon had flown away and was gone. He sobbed and sobbed as I hugged and comforted him. His party was the next day so I found myself saying, "It's alright sweetheart. The balloon flew away, but you'll get 10 balloons tomorrow at your party. You can play with those." My words were no help; in fact they seemed to make it worse. "But Mommy! My heart is breaking. I wanted to keep my balloon forever and it's gone! Sobbing. I don't want new balloons, I want that balloon. I want to be a balloon so I can fly up there and get it back."

I could hear my own cries in his words. "But, God! My heart is breaking. I want Camilla to be perfectly healthy when she is born." I could hear a make-believe voice saying to me, "If she doesn't make it, you can have another child." Sobbing. "I don't want another baby, I want this one! I want to be a doctor, go in there, and drain the fluid. I want to fix my daughter's sickness."

I changed my approach and just tightly held my sweet little boy, telling him I understood just how he felt. That Mommy feels the same way about Camilla's ow-ee on her head. I explained how sometimes all we can do when our heart is breaking is go to God and pray for his healing of our heart-ache and we still need to thank Him for our many blessings when we are sad. Together we prayed and I sang him the song, "Trust and Obey". While the tears flowed now from both of our cheeks I realized how wonderful it is that I can experience the most wonderful gift-Jesus' love- right along with my four year old. What a blessing I have and privilege to be able to teach my children about their loving Heavenly Father. As Isaac ran off to play, I wished the only heartache I would ever see him experience was the loss of a balloon floating away into the sky. But you see, his true, great Comforter in life will be God. Oh, I'll still be there, you betcha, but ultimately, the One who gave me my children will shine light unto their paths and guide them throughout their lives. I am so thankful that they will know of hope, salvation, and grace through God.

That night my prayers for Camilla were for healing. "Please God, if it is your will, heal her. Please don't let her float away from me and this life on Earth...unless it is your will. But, Lord, if you indeed do take her to Heaven early, I will praise you because she will be healed. Lord, if it is your will and you decide to heal her now and allow her life with me on Earth, I will praise you because she will be healed. Either way Lord, I pray for her healing."

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

One week later I repeated my prayer as my eyes raced across the ultrasound screen. I witnessed my beautiful Camilla girl showing decreased levels of fluid in her brain's ventricles, (in relationship to her overall growth we see a 30% improvement in the proportions of fluid to her size, basically meaning as she as grown, the fluid now is in the moderate range, NOT severe!)This is a HUGE praise! Typically what is seen is the fluid is progressive and increases steadily. God has begun to heal her in this way--he has decreased the fluid! He intentionally and single-handedly has put His hand on my child and shown healing.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him."

Every part of her was strong and healthy, every other organ, every measurement, everything within normal ranges. Yes, there is still fluid. But this is a very BIG answer to prayers and we thank each and every person for praying on Camilla's behalf. Our doctor told us to praise God today and sleep better tonight for little Camilla is a fighter and she has IMPROVED!

That quote, "Faith can move mountains" keeps popping in my head. I am not sure that I have ever really understood it. When we experience something difficult, we tend to look at it as a mountain and it seems so huge. The quote would suggest our faith could move the "problem" or mountain out of the way. I think it actually may mean something different. Today I am reminded that when I focus on God, not the problem, the difficulty seems like a speckle of dust. And God is my mountain. He is bigger than anything that goes on here on Earth. My prayer today is to keep my focus,my faith, and my trust in my God, for when I do this He becomes the mountain-so much bigger and powerful than any difficulty I could even imagine. Faith, prayer, trust, and belief can compel my mountain, God, to move on behalf of my child and heal her. He already has begun. Thank you so much, all-powerful Jesus.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Fear of Onesies...

You might wonder what the title means. Sounds weird, I know. But my struggle lately is with fear regarding Camilla's situation. Mostly he (the devil) strikes at me when I am tired or trying to fall asleep. He starts shooting the arrows of fear at me. When he starts hurling-watch out because he has a quiver full.
Fear of her dying.
Fear of my health.
Fear of major surgery on a tiny baby.
Fear of not having control of the situation...at all.
Fear of being away from my other children.
Fear of her future.
Fear of the logistics of the birth in Grand Rapids.
Fear of her being in pain. Boy, does he hurl them fast.
Fear of how she will look.
Fear of her being teased.
Fear of reactions.

And fear of onesies! I am scared of getting out newborn things for Camilla, because I am not sure whether or not she will ever use them. Fear of putting them away. Here they come again. I know fear is not from God, and I have to literally tell the devil to go away! Leave me alone! On my own, I am weak; but with God's word and help, I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.

1 Corinthians 16:13:
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.

Fear of setting clean white onesies out in perfect little baskets and coming home to put them away into a dark basement because they are not needed. Another arrow straight at me.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Can I control what happens? NO. Will God help me every step?YES! Watch out Satan, this Momma's got the King of Kings on her side! I will fight against your arrows and cling to the truth I find in the Bible.

Fact is, there's a good chance that my baby girl is coming home. And she's going to need those onesies. So I'll put them out; just in case. And when you try to beat me down, I'll tell you to leave like I have been doing. If I need them, I will praise Him! And if I don't, I will praise Him! Whatever the outcome, God has Camilla in his precious hands and she is His creation. And my blessing.

I can't wait to meet you, my sweet Camilla girl. The onesie pictured will be in your basket if you do indeed come home and need it.