Thursday, September 23, 2010


Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?

Ok. Read it again. I had to. Do you really believe that what you believe is really real? This was the question scribbled across the dry erase board in my prayer group's room on Wednesday night at church. Not only did it catch my eye and I had to read it three times; it was the perfect question to ask myself this week.

I sat there momentarily, contemplating everything I believe to be real. This week I was struggling in my fatigue to keep my thoughts positive about our upcoming ultrasound next Monday. That long drive home I have...being exhausted and was all getting to me. I'd find myself questioning something I really believe to be real. That Cami is going to be fine. That surgery will go smoothly. I really believe she will be; and by now I should be a pro at a c-section, but in these moments I had been letting those little fear voices rise up in me again.

My husband sensed my mood after one of these fearful commutes and the next day emailed me a note containing the following verse and note to me:
"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
Romans 8:16-17

The thought that our sufferings bring us closer to God's glory, for me brings total peace. I feel more and more that you and I were given a gift, a gift to see God's awesome miracle of life, a gift to witness God's awesome power, and a gift to feel God's awesome love for us. It is our responsibility to tell Camilla's story. So all will see God's awesome glory.

You are so right, honey! I really needed to hear that! Reflecting on your note brings me back to my original question that I started this post with. Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?

So I asked myself again. Frankly. Earnestly. Thoughtfully.

"Do I really believe that my God, the one who gave me life wants what is best for me?"
"Do I really believe that my God, awesome healer, can heal my daughter?"
"Do I really believe that the plan for my Camilla Joy is completely written already and has a special purpose?"
"Do I really believe that difficult things can make me stronger?"
"Do I really believe that God's glory can be witnessed through the story of a tiny little baby?"
"Do I really believe and trust that God will work this all out for good?"

The abounding answer is YES! I want to shout it from the mountaintops! For when I remind myself of this, all the fear arrows flung by Satan fall limp and I find strength and peace that surpasses all understanding!

Camilla, I will never forget to tell your story as it unfolds. The author of life itself has blessed me with the gift of you and the responsibility to share your journey with others. I love you, Camilla girl. By the way, the flower above is a Camilla flower. Beautiful just like my precious daughter!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Dear Camilla

Dear Camilla Joy,
I wonder- do you know how much we love you? Do you hear your brother and sister talking and singing to you? Have you enjoyed my commentary about the weather changing soon and how I'm making hair clippies for you? I am assuming you have a bunch of hair as I have heartburn all the time! Do you realize that your name is being spoken in hundreds of prayers from so many people? I think you feel it too, like I do. I am so excited to meet you, Camilla, to hold your perfect little fingers and kiss your sweet, soft cheeks. I can't wait to see your brother and sister's faces when they meet their baby sister! The next few weeks are filled with eagerness as the date of your arrival comes closer and the thought of holding you in my arms becomes more real to me.
I want to tell you something-I absolutely love your name. Maybe it's because it means "perfect happiness" or maybe it's because it is so precious to hear it from your Isaac all the time. Maybe it is because it just "fits" you, or because you squirm all around when I say it. I am not sure. Today Mommy's friend, Margo, gave me a beautiful bracelet that proclaims your name on tiny little silver beads. I love that no matter which way the beads spin, your name is still clear and visible. I also love that I can wear it and glance down and see my Camilla girl's name out of the corner of my eye all day long. But most of all I just loved seeing your name in print. All afternoon my musings were about your name: on Christmas cards, arranged in refrigerator magnets, on the tags of your coat and mittens, on your birth announcement, on the back of pictures, your crayon box, and inside the covers of your books.
Are you continuing to get better sweetie? Because your Mommy is so praying you are and sometimes I am scared because I just don't know. I have witnessed so many miracles already, and I really feel you are telling me you are alright. People say I am so strong, but I tell them it is all because of you. I love you so very, very much. It truly is because of you I have learned to give God full control of my life and have learned to trust Him completely. He has filled me with strength and faith I never, ever knew possible. My God has comforted me when I am wrangling with waves of fear that are far over my head.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.""
His word reminds me in moments of struggle, that he hears my cries and holds my tears. I know for sure that He has a plan for you, sweet girl, and for our family.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Knowing you, Camilla Joy, is making me a better person. I am learning to appreciate things that I took for granted before. I have also witnessed God's love through so many people, in a way that simply overwhelms me. I want you to know that your life is perfectly planned by God and He already knew the amazing girl you would become.
He is using you. It is remarkable to think of that!

Thank you, sweet girl.

Your Mommy