Angels, Tears, and Balloons

I had my first appointment with my regular ob doctor since we received Camilla's diagnosis yesterday. I knew I would struggle just because it was the first time talking with him since his call telling me about the need for an appointment with a specialist. My doctor is such a kind, Christian man and I just love him! I used to tease Matt and tell him I was in love with him...LOL! I remember after all the miscarriages in 2005 how reassuring he was to us and how much he tolerated all my worries and fears with my pregnancies for Isaac and Hadleigh. He is just a great man! I walked in strong and composed and as soon as he opened the exam room door and hugged me I just lost it. We had a fantastic and thorough conversation and he really just listened which was so very nice. We were discussing lots of possibilities, causes, and possible scenarios that could arise as we near Camilla's birth. It still seems slightly surreal to me that as I am sitting there discussing the possibilities of her being stillborn or dying soon after birth (in the case we would find out she has a genetic disorder); she is kicking me like crazy from the inside. I felt nauseous and dizzy as the words outside me were grim and spoke of death and the movement on the inside of me proclaimed such life! That is really so hard to feel all at once, I am not sure I will ever understand it. Well anyway, we were speaking of the genetic situations and I mentioned this video I watched a few years back called "99 Balloons". I couldn't remember much except the baby had Trisomy 18 I think and ended up living 99 days. His parents celebrated each day to the fullest and at the memorial released 99 balloons; one for each day with their child. He hadn't heard of it; but listened as my next words were, "I hope I have one single day with my baby... alive". My doctor seemed to tear up a little and we proceeded to listen to her healthy heartbeat in the 160's. I wiped my face, sucked it in and checked out. I love the receptionists and nurses at the office, but I didn't really look up at anyone just hoping I could make it out without any more crying. Well, I did. About 10 steps out the door and down the stairs anyway. My first angel arrived then, a friend I love chatting with who works behind the desk and schedules all my appointments. She gave me the most heartfelt hug and I thanked her for her thoughts. She gave me the strength to get out the door and to the car before I completely lost it again. I don't know what it was, but it just felt so good to have a good cry. Angel number 2 arrives next. A nurse from the office, who knows of my story, and has always been so nice to me, comes running out. She hugged me reassuringly and asked to pray with me. The gesture made by these two women has left me speechless. I was a blubbering mess and God sent them to calm me down and to show Christ's love to me. It is just so amazing. She prayed for an angel to watch over me; what I don't think she realized is that is what she was! I can't even begin to thank both of them; it was the kindest, sweetest thing I think anyone has ever done for me. I can only hope I can be used as someone's "angel" sometime and re-pay the favors I felt yesterday. After sitting in the car a while, I got myself together, and continued home. Do you know what happened next? While I am driving along on the highway, a red helium balloon, no kidding flew right at my windshield. It startled me; it nearly got hooked in my wiper! I watched it trail off to the east and I knew this wasn't a coincidence. In the video, "99 balloons" they literally CELEBRATED every single day their baby lived even though they knew he was not going to make it. This balloon didn't just happen to fly out at me-it was sent. It was my reminder that I need to CELEBRATE today and every day I am given because they are a gift. Camilla, girl, the life you are proclaiming when you move around is a gift to me and to my family. I will NOT forget to celebrate every day I feel it. Your brother felt you kick him tonight; we had a celebratory kicking party underneath his Spiderman covers. We love you, Camilla! I hope each and every one of us can celebrate our "balloon", our day today, as it is a beautiful gift from God.
Turn off music player first to watch "99 Balloons".

Daily Inspiration

Wow! What can I possibly say to thank so many of you for the wonderful calls, blog comments,facebook messages, and beautiful cards sent to us? I have to tell you how much it has meant to Matt and me! I have this huge stack of cards and notes and they are so kind, caring, inspiring, and encouraging. I have so enjoyed periodically going through the stack and reading one or two. They are so powerful in that they remind me of the AWESOME power of prayer, friendship, and love! So if you are reading this, chances are you have left us some kind words and I want to sincerely thank you for it. It means SO much!
Nothing is really "new" to post at least that we know about right now. I do have to request your prayers for our next ultrasound, specifically, on August 20th. We pray that the fluid levels in Camilla's ventricles are not increased at all. It is likely they are, but I am praying for miracles and healing. Please join us in doing that! Thank you so very much! I have to specifically thank my Mom for beginning a Friday fasting and praying routine; Mom it means so very much to us that you would seek God's word and direction and fervently pray for your little grand-baby in this way.

How are we all doing? We are honestly filled with peace. As odd as it sounds or seems to others or to us, I am not full of anxiety and neither is my husband. I know that this peace is from God and I am so very thankful! We went camping last week and I actually made the comment to Matt, "Should I feel guilty that I am having so much fun?" It's so weird, throughout the last couple weeks, I have felt so appreciative of so many things. Things I've taken for granted in the past, I'm sure. The baby's kicks for example, friends, a small hand in mine, an innocent child's words, you name it. Already, this unborn child has helped me appreciate so many small things MORE than ever. I have to share a conversation I had with my sweet son. We were following Daddy to the campground and we were talking about Cami and how she has a boo-boo. We pray for her daily and ask God to please take care of her and heal her. I said to Isaac, "If baby sister is sick we will still love her so much! Right, Isaac?"..."Yes, Mom" he replied. Then I said, "And if Jesus decides Cami needs to go live in Heaven with Him, we will miss her sooo much. Right, Isaac?" Silence. Uh-oh, I worried I might have upset him saying that. More silence. I stop at the stop sign,about to turn around, and hear "Well, Mom..pause...she will be an angel then." He said it in the most matter of fact voice. "ISAAC, you are soooo right!" As I sat at the stop sign a few extra seconds and looked in the rear view at my little boy, I was touched and consumed with such appreciation for my life and everything that fills it up. How could I help but smile? Between Isaac's sweet honesty with words, and Hadleigh constantly kissing my belly and proclaiming, "Baby in-nair!" (Baby in there!) how could I not plainly see that I am one seriously lucky girl with so many blessings??? Camilla, girl, I hope you realize how much of a blessing you are already. Do you know how much all of us love you? Not a day goes by we don't talk to you and thank God for you.

Speaking of another blessing, I have to thank my hubby for his unfailing love and support. All of you get to hear or see me after I have sorted through many a wrestling match of sorts...with my thoughts. Matthew sees the icky wrestling. I know he is wrestling too, but somehow, he is so strong and completely positive for the both of us. We are stronger together, and know that this is making us a better couple. So here is another blessing in disguise that I find-my marriage strengthening and reaching more deeply in my heart than I ever dreamed possible. When my thoughts turn on the "Why song"...you know the: Why me? Why us? Why do these bad things happen? Why now? Why, why, why......song?, guess who helps me turn it off? Matt, you do that, and I thank you so very much. You remind me of the love of our Heavenly Father and how this is all part of His plan. You make me feel protected and safe and we all know every girl wants that. I thank God for you. Here is a song that sums it all up.....

turn off the music player at the bottom of the page first. :) enjoy!

Questions with no answers...now.

We had an appointment with our doctor today. He is a fantastic Christian man who I already respect so much in many ways. I had a huge list of questions and when I couldn't get them out, my sweet Matthew filled in the words. Thank you, honey! Most of the questions I asked I knew would only be "hypothetical" in that we really don't know what will happen. I did clarify her diagnosis as severe hydrocephalus, which is a very serious birth defect of a very vital organ. BUT I am praising God because it is the only diagnosis so far! She has no evidence yet of any other problems. This is all in her favor! Typically, other problems go hand in hand with hydrocephalus, but so far we see no evidence of any. I will pray NONE show up along the way. At least three times he said to us, "Don't give up hope." I most definitely will not! The overall message of this consult is that we don't know a thing about how Camilla will be affected by this condition until she is born and evaluated. WOW, that is quite a tall order for this worry-wart mom to wrap her head around. For the next 16 or more weeks, I will basically have no way to prepare myself because I don't know what will happen. The "planner" in me, the part of me that likes knowing as much as I can and controlling as much as I can in situations (yes, I am a bit of a control freak with some things; namely my children and keeping them safe) is really being stretched and tested. Which is probably a good learning experience for me, really. I have to rely on God to work all of it out and I have absolutely NO control. I find myself going in an unending circle, considering all possibilities and trying to come some sort of terms with each and every one, because it is about all I can do. To really lay it out here, there are many different outcomes we could face. I understand that my child could die in utero or at birth. She could live minutes, hours, days, or years. She might be severely, severely disabled. She might beat millions of odds and amaze the world with what she can do. No matter what, I promise, I will praise God. He has given her to me and I love her with my heart and soul, and I wouldn't trade her for anything! I am thankful for every day of this pregnancy feeling her kicks inside telling me hello. If I never see her take a breath, these memories will be what I cling to and remember as her life. And I will praise God for the months of life inside of me. If she lives minutes, hours, days, or years, I will be so thankful for every second. And I won't put my head to my pillow one day without praising my Lord. If she beats the odds and amazes us I will stand in awe and praise God at the miracles he is performing. If Camilla is severely disabled and needs me to be her hands,feet, eyes, and ears; I will do it and praise God for the blessed opportunity to help someone experience their life to the fullest. If my sweet, sweet girl can't move her head to see the sunset, I will turn her face so she can-and I will tell her all about Heaven. If she can't see, I will explain every detail of everything around us. If she can't hear, I will make sure she "hears" my love for her in a different way. If she can't walk or run or go places on her own, I will carry my precious little girl every step of the way and help her see the world.

And He will carry me.

Don't Forget

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Real.

Everyday since we found out Camilla's condition, I have a point where I cry or feel angry. Usually once a day, (not counting the cry myself to sleep routine that has set in). I can have a completely positive day and then there is that moment where I find myself slamming the kitchen drawers or hugging my husband so tightly it is difficult for him to still my trembling. Of course I feel these things! I know it is normal. This isn't a path I really want, I wish it was different. I don't know what we face. I don't understand any of it. I hate medical terminology, but now I have a brand new vocabulary consisting of it. Why? I didn't really care to have that on my plate.
I know Matt and I are feeling the same things. But we realize that we are faced with a choice. We have to choose to PRAISE during this storm. I just don't understand how it is for people to face tragedy or difficulties if they do not have faith in God. They must feel hopeless. In no way do I feel hopeless; but that is because I have my heavenly Father's help! So I write this post today in hopes someone who feels hopeless can learn there is hope in God and will seek out someone who can show them. Life doesn't have to be hopeless.
It comes around to the same conclusion every time- no matter how "mad" my moment is at that one point of the day---I keep coming back to such PEACE. Peace in knowing everything will be alright. IT WILL! God works all things out for good and our life plans are already written detail by detail by Him! I am so thankful I have that to cling to. Feeling mad and peaceful all within a ten minute period isn't contradictory. It is what makes us REAL. The important thing is to remember that the peace God brings in your life wins out every single time.

A Journey is Presented

On Thursday, July 8, 2010; we learned our unborn baby had severe levels of fluid on her brain. We were shuffled to a cold and quiet room where we sat in silence waiting for the doctor to come and talk with us. It was too quiet, too cold, and too empty. We sat in shock and just waited. When the doctor came in he began to describe what this means to our baby and to us and tried to answer the questions we worked hard to get out. For our baby and for our family, this will be a waiting game. Waiting and watching her development, watching the fluid, waiting, and more watching. No questions are answered right now. This has been the toughest part for us. When we sit and talk after Isaac and Hadleigh go to bed, we really don't know where to begin. There are a million different outcomes we could have, how do you prepare for each and every one not knowing which will be ours? I can tell you the only thing that is helping us is to cling to the fact that God already knows. He knows the outcome and this baby's future. It is something that our energy cannot be spent on right now-the wondering about the "what-ifs". God doesn't want us to worry about that part today, we have to trust Him to hold all of that in His hands. We are praying for a miracle, praying fervently that God heals our baby girl completely. The two of us believe way more in the power of God than we do in the power of science, man, and technology. And we know He hears our prayers and that He answers prayers of his people. If it is His will, we pray He heals her-completely. Above all, we pray that our beautiful daughter and our family journey can be used in ways we can't even imagine to glorify God, inspire others, and change lives.