It's Been a While....6 WEEKS!

Yes, I can hardly believe 6 weeks ago Camilla Joy was born! How fast these past 6 weeks went compared to the 6 weeks prior to her arrival! I can hardly believe it has been that long since I posted last; now Christmas has come and gone already. We have been busy adjusting to life on little sleep and how to juggle attention between three blessings instead of just two. I am loving every second!

Many of you who follow have been wondering and asking how Camilla is doing. She is doing so good so far and showing no signs of anything at all being wrong. While we were in the hospital they did an ultrasound and a MRI of her brain. The ventricles were the same as our appointment in September and this was very good news! No blockage or progressing hydrocephalus...and no surgery! Praise God! The MRI did show that she was missing her septum pellucidum, though, has a thinned corpus callosum, and it showed mildly thinned optical nerves. The septum pellucidum is a small membrane inside of her brain that, because it was missing, was likely the cause of her ventricle enlargement throughout the pregnancy. The pediatrician spoke to us about this and said that this may or may not ever mean a visual impairment for our sweet little girl. When he evaluated her on the last day in the hospital I made sure to ask whether he thought she could see as of then and he said she was doing everything with her eyes she should at two days old and that YES he believed she was seeing things! So, very thankfully we headed home later that day and settled into our new routine with baby Cami!

In the weeks that followed, she had a few appointments, one being a pediatric opthamology appointment. The nurse dilated her eyes and flashed a light all around inside. She (the nurse) seemed frustrated; so I started to get nervous as I observed her. I asked her what she was looking for or wanting Camilla's eyes to do, and she simply said, "A blink would be nice." From there we had to go to another waiting room and wait for the doctor to call us back to further examine her eyes. All the while, here I was clutching Camilla and all of my bags to my body, and shaking with fear. How fast fear can grip you; I HATE that! I have posted before right here about fear and how I struggle and defeat it. Fear is not from the Lord; and I know that. By the time I was called in the examination room, I was sweating to death and getting even more nervous. Thoughts were running wild in my head that she was blind and she would never see us, never see God's beautiful, colorful creation.....STOP! I stopped my thoughts, glanced at my face in the mirror behind the examination chair and realized that I was letting Satan fill me with fear. It was SO apparent on my face in that crystal clear mirror on the wall. I quickly ran my thoughts back to this post here specifically the end, and realized it didn't matter anyway. Here I am holding my beautiful, precious daughter; feeling her breath on my cheek in this room and nothing else really mattered in that moment.
She is here.
She is thriving and she is right here.
I prayed over her in that dark little room, praying for her to someday fight her own fears with the truth of her Savior. What a priviledge to have this little girl in my arms and to pray for her while looking into her eyes. I should tell you, too, that the opthomalogist wasn't worried at all about the blinking thing. She said, in fact, her optic nerves are only "mildly" thinned. Praise God again!

With the help of Him, I am not worried! I am just NOT going to worry myself sick over potential problems that may or may not EVER affect things Camilla can do. If I did that, I would be giving in to the Enemy and he would be all too pleased about it. Not to mention, I would be missing all the wonderful, exciting things Camilla CAN do; which right now are everything she should to be on target for her age! So, I think I'll put the pen down for now, or rather-give my fingertips a break, to go and enjoy some 6 week old smirks, coos, and snuggles. Oh, and to breathe in the scent only a newborn has to offer!

We thank each and every one of you for your continued prayers. Thank you doesn't seem even enough; we are so grateful for every minute you have spent praying on our behalf, you are AMAZING! May God pour his blessings upon all of you!

Giving Thanks

There have been many moments along this journey that I have felt scared. Many when I felt nervous or doubtful. I would ask myself, "Am I being too hopeful?" In these moments, I have needed to hand over these fears to God.
Completely.
I have declared the Word of God countless times when telling the enemy to leave. Guess what? IT HAS ALWAYS WORKED! I have never experienced anything in my life before now where I have needed to lean so completely on Jesus for strength and support. I am a "handle it" type of girl, I like to think that I'm pretty tough when things get difficult. This experience shook this a bit in me. I realized how much I need God and how much I haven't realized my need fully for Him in other situations. I have learned how much I need God in my life when everything is going fine and dandy, when things are difficult, and when things are unknown.

On Thursday, November 18th, we arrived at the hospital to meet our baby girl. I wasn't nervous, but especially in the surgical room, I was very emotional. This journey was finally coming to a climax...Camilla's birth. While I knew that there were unknowns, and that in a few moments we would know how she was doing, good or bad, I felt peace. Peace that I cannot explain, only feel. I knew God was right there, working in the hands of the doctors, keeping me calm, and protecting us all. While the doctors and nurses were chattering away, to me it was amazingly quiet. My ears were ready to hear her cries, but everything else seemed almost miles away. So peaceful and quiet. When they pulled her out into this world, Miss Cami screamed and screamed! Do you even know how those cries sounded to me??? PURE JOY! For with those cries, I knew her lungs were healthy (no doubt!) and that was one thing I had prayed so hard for.
Please, Lord, let her cry be so strong and so loud.
While tears streamed down my face, the doctor peeked over the big, blue sheet and told me that my baby girl was proving him wrong on all accounts! He said this with a smile and I told him I was glad he was wrong. Quickly, some of these early "accounts" flashed in my head.

20 weeks gestation: We see 4/5 fluid in her head, 1/5 brain matter. It is mandatory that I tell you termination is available. This could be caused by genetic reasons that could or could not be fatal. YOU GO CAMILLA, keep proving him wrong!

I quickly refocused on Camilla's cries and now that I could see her along side me getting evaluated, knew I was witnessing a miracle. I heard the words,
"She is perfect" from the doctor.
"She is beautiful" from her Daddy.
"She is so cute" from a nurse.
"Look at that hair" from another.

I kept saying "Amen" and "Thank you" over and over and over in my head. Camilla went to the recovery room right with me and returned to a regular room in the hospital with me as well. She scored 9's on her Apgar tests, began to eat right away, and was off the charts as far as being a good snuggler!

This Thanksgiving my heart just swells. I am blessed in ways I do not deserve and I cannot list all that I am thankful for. This journey so far has reminded me to celebrate and enjoy each day of life that we are given, to stay strong in faith, and to TRUST the Lord.

Camilla Joy, now that you are here I want you to know that:

You are an absolute perfect miracle.
God has a plan and purpose for your life.
It is my priviledge to be your mother.
I will continue to tell your story and share God with others through it.
You are a perfect addition to our family.
God is using you, sweet girl.

Psalm 100:
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

God is always good.

Do Not Fear....Choose Truth!

Be sure to turn off the music player at the bottom of the page before you enjoy the beautiful truth of this song.

Quietly Waiting

I have been listening to a series on the book of Habakkuk. It has been exactly what I needed to hear the past few weeks. While this whole journey so far has not seemed terribly long, the past couple weeks themselves have. On the days I manage to get out the door early, (not the days I hit the snooze) I have heard a wonderful series on the radio about Habakkuk. A very small book tucked away in the Bible, it is packed with truth and situations we as humans can relate to.

Habakkuk struggled with God not giving him clear answers. He feels God isn't listening or answering his prayers. God is teaching Habakkuk how to wait and cling to the faith that God is indeed at work. Habakkuk learns that he must patiently wait to see how God will work things out according to His plan. The book of Habbakuk reminds us that the righteous must live by faith; in the good times as well as the hard times. This isn't always easy, but faith in God is so very powerful. Sometimes God uses harder situations to draw us to him and bring us back to where we need to be- focused on Him.

God has been using this experience of our daughter's life, to turn my fears into stronger faith everyday. For those of you who know me well, you would know how much of a worrier I am. While I have my days, I can honestly say that God has done a miracle in me this whole time. I haven't struggled with worry too much, not like I have in the past with such "smaller" mountains I have faced. Fear, I have indeed felt, but everytime it has gotten a hold of me I have been able to turn it away. This isn't the "typical" Amie. This is amazing to me and I have honestly felt God carrying me through since the beginning.

“The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights” (Habakkuk 3:19)

Our days of waiting for our daughter are coming to a close---we will meet her in 11 short days and WE CAN'T WAIT! The support of family and friends has been amazing and we cannot thank everyone enough. The power of positive people and prayers overwhelms me when I think about it. Every day has been a celebration of this wonderful life inside of me. People addressing her by name, my students hugging my belly all the time, my children talking to their sister and feeling her move, her Daddy telling her he loves her, EVERYTHING has been a celebration.

The first thing I will do when I hear her cries upon entrance is praise God with an, "AMEN!"

Camilla, you have a special purpose in this world. Your heavenly Father has planned your life. I am honored to be your mother and to be a part of it.

Black and White

For the longest time now, I have been imagining our first family photo when Camilla arrives. The closer we get, the more I think about it. How unbelievably excited I am to see her face (finally!), how wonderful it will be to huddle our family around and smile for a first portrait with her! I have a dear friend doing pictures at the hospital, something I have never done "formally" before. We have had such anticipation over this little lady making her debut, that I want to catch it all without missing anything. Don't get me wrong-we took tons of pictures with both of our other kids, too. It's just different this time. The anticipation building in our house as we talk about, pray for, and enjoy Cami squirming all around in my belly everyday- it has created an energy that is SO amazing!

Back to the portraits-they had been on my mind for many days. I found myself becoming worrisome over something almost kind of silly in the big scheme of things-what should we wear for our new family portrait? I don't know why it was bugging me, but I just couldn't think of what would work best in a sea of unknowns. To be realistic, I am not sure of the circumstances that will surround these portraits, in regards to how Cami will be doing. I am so hopeful these will be portraits of a very healthy little girl with a full head of hair (I am predicting, due to major heartburn)! But my life is a sea of scenarios with this situation, and I am reminded I am not in control of any of them.

So- again back to the photos, I kept wondering what should we wear??? Ever since that morning in July when we learned of Camilla's struggle in utero, things have been fuzzy...to put a color to it, they have been gray. Not gray as in depressing, but gray as in not clear. And until she is out and examined, nothing regarding her condition will be totally black and white. Ahhh. Black and white! It hit me! Nothing so far has been black and white with this situation...EXCEPT the most important things:
1. God is in control.
2. He is the author of her life; He has her every breath already planned!
3. God hears our prayers and is already in the process of answering them according to His plan.
4. Scripture has proclaimed the clearest truths to me the past 14 weeks.
5. God is using this situation for his glory.

So, Camilla Joy, you and your sister have the most beautiful velvet-trimmed black and white embellished dresses. I am crafting your first headband and one for Big Sis, too! Your brother has a handsome black, white, and red sweater and your Mommy and Daddy are sticking with the same theme for your first portrait. In the moment the camera flashes, no matter what the circumstances surrounding your health are, one thing will be totally black and white, just as it has been this whole journey long:

Camilla, you will be a perfect part of our family, a perfect work of your Heavenly Father, and you will be loved more than words on this page can ever begin to convey. It is crystal clear, my Camilla girl, you will NEVER, EVER hunger for love. We love you SO much already.


Praise God for blessing us with your life!

Believe...

Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?

Ok. Read it again. I had to. Do you really believe that what you believe is really real? This was the question scribbled across the dry erase board in my prayer group's room on Wednesday night at church. Not only did it catch my eye and I had to read it three times; it was the perfect question to ask myself this week.

I sat there momentarily, contemplating everything I believe to be real. This week I was struggling in my fatigue to keep my thoughts positive about our upcoming ultrasound next Monday. That long drive home I have...being exhausted and hot...hormones...it was all getting to me. I'd find myself questioning something I really believe to be real. That Cami is going to be fine. That surgery will go smoothly. I really believe she will be; and by now I should be a pro at a c-section, but in these moments I had been letting those little fear voices rise up in me again.

My husband sensed my mood after one of these fearful commutes and the next day emailed me a note containing the following verse and note to me:
"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
Romans 8:16-17
The thought that our sufferings bring us closer to God's glory, for me brings total peace. I feel more and more that you and I were given a gift, a gift to see God's awesome miracle of life, a gift to witness God's awesome power, and a gift to feel God's awesome love for us. It is our responsibility to tell Camilla's story. So all will see God's awesome glory.

You are so right, honey! I really needed to hear that! Reflecting on your note brings me back to my original question that I started this post with. Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?

So I asked myself again. Frankly. Earnestly. Thoughtfully.

"Do I really believe that my God, the one who gave me life wants what is best for me?"
"Do I really believe that my God, awesome healer, can heal my daughter?"
"Do I really believe that the plan for my Camilla Joy is completely written already and has a special purpose?"
"Do I really believe that difficult things can make me stronger?"
"Do I really believe that God's glory can be witnessed through the story of a tiny little baby?"
"Do I really believe and trust that God will work this all out for good?"

The abounding answer is YES! I want to shout it from the mountaintops! For when I remind myself of this, all the fear arrows flung by Satan fall limp and I find strength and peace that surpasses all understanding!

Camilla, I will never forget to tell your story as it unfolds. The author of life itself has blessed me with the gift of you and the responsibility to share your journey with others. I love you, Camilla girl. By the way, the flower above is a Camilla flower. Beautiful just like my precious daughter!

Dear Camilla

Dear Camilla Joy,
I wonder- do you know how much we love you? Do you hear your brother and sister talking and singing to you? Have you enjoyed my commentary about the weather changing soon and how I'm making hair clippies for you? I am assuming you have a bunch of hair as I have heartburn all the time! Do you realize that your name is being spoken in hundreds of prayers from so many people? I think you feel it too, like I do. I am so excited to meet you, Camilla, to hold your perfect little fingers and kiss your sweet, soft cheeks. I can't wait to see your brother and sister's faces when they meet their baby sister! The next few weeks are filled with eagerness as the date of your arrival comes closer and the thought of holding you in my arms becomes more real to me.
I want to tell you something-I absolutely love your name. Maybe it's because it means "perfect happiness" or maybe it's because it is so precious to hear it from your Isaac all the time. Maybe it is because it just "fits" you, or because you squirm all around when I say it. I am not sure. Today Mommy's friend, Margo, gave me a beautiful bracelet that proclaims your name on tiny little silver beads. I love that no matter which way the beads spin, your name is still clear and visible. I also love that I can wear it and glance down and see my Camilla girl's name out of the corner of my eye all day long. But most of all I just loved seeing your name in print. All afternoon my musings were about your name: on Christmas cards, arranged in refrigerator magnets, on the tags of your coat and mittens, on your birth announcement, on the back of pictures, your crayon box, and inside the covers of your books.
Are you continuing to get better sweetie? Because your Mommy is so praying you are and sometimes I am scared because I just don't know. I have witnessed so many miracles already, and I really feel you are telling me you are alright. People say I am so strong, but I tell them it is all because of you. I love you so very, very much. It truly is because of you I have learned to give God full control of my life and have learned to trust Him completely. He has filled me with strength and faith I never, ever knew possible. My God has comforted me when I am wrangling with waves of fear that are far over my head.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.""
His word reminds me in moments of struggle, that he hears my cries and holds my tears. I know for sure that He has a plan for you, sweet girl, and for our family.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Knowing you, Camilla Joy, is making me a better person. I am learning to appreciate things that I took for granted before. I have also witnessed God's love through so many people, in a way that simply overwhelms me. I want you to know that your life is perfectly planned by God and He already knew the amazing girl you would become.
He is using you. It is remarkable to think of that!

Thank you, sweet girl.

Love,
Your Mommy